Whereas my two previous tales were about wrestlers who were, more or less, alive, I decided to go in a different direction this time around.

Why Andre The Giant? Well, my original choice (Daivari) wasn't available. Also, Andre was a larger-than-life character that was beloved by millions of children worldwide. Or maybe I'm thinking of Mickey Mouse. I can't remember. Readers?

Nonetheless, Andre will be remembered as the ultimate performer, a showman, a scientific marvel, and a workrate freak. If WWE ever decides to institute a hall of fame, this fiery youngster should be the first one inducted 1.

But how much do we really know about this "Ninth Wonder of the World"? Was he REALLY able to drink "several" beers in one night? Was he REALLY a cannibal? Were there REALLY four people operating him from the inside, like they did for Jabba The Hutt? Sadly, we may never know.

Most people who knew him well fall into one of three categories these days: deceased (Big John Studd, Mr. Perfect, Crash Holly), trying to be deceased (Tim White), or senile (Rowdy Roddy Piper, Mean Gene Okerlund). Thus, most of what you've heard before about Andre is more "fiction" than "fact". So I present you with the True Wrestling Story of Andre The Giant.

 

Andre The Giant was born in Grenoble in the French Alps to a pair of giant parents 2. The above picture proves that he was born at a height of 5"4 and weighed in at amazing 250 pounds (it also proves I'm no James Guttman in the photoshop department, but I digress).

But wait, that can't be right. I mean, no baby can be born that big, can they? Let me just check my own birth certificate to see if… ahh, here we go, it says here that I was… ADOPTED??? HOLY SHIT! WHY AM I JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS NOW?!?

I can't believe this! I guess I should have been tipped off by the fact that my parents don't have the "Bulldog" surname. I'm… I'm sorry. I'm just too traumatized to finish this chapter. Let's move on, shall we?





Growing by approximately one foot every six months, Andre knew there was only one business that would properly exploit his size. But when the circus rejected him for being "too handsome", he sought refuge in the zany, madcap world of professional wrestling.

Andre set the wrestling world on fire during the late-1960's. Fortunately, fire officials were able to contain the blaze by June 1972, just in time for Watergate 3. In the ring, Andre became a favorite of promoters worldwide because he was more unique than any competitor that came before him.

Although, to be fair, Superstar Billy Graham was much, much, more muscular. And Dusty Rhodes was way fatter. There's no denying that Bruno Sammartino was - in his prime - much hairier. And Mil Mascaras was much more, I don't know, masked?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME? I JUST FOUND OUT I’M ADOPTED!!!





In addition to being a giant wrestler, Andre was also known as a giant partier. Thus the title of this next chapter. Or else, I would have called it something else, such as… such as… WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME? I JUST FOUND OUT I WAS… ahhh, never mind.

It wasn't unusual, for example, for Andre to down at a single sitting: 36 glasses of wine, 24 cases of beer 4, 12 frozen banana daiquiris, 9 bottles of vodka, 6 tubes of Crayola Brand Washable Project Glue 5, 2 barrels of Jamaican Rum, and a Corona with Lime.

Then there were times where he liked to drink. Without getting into all the gory details, let's just say that Fabulous Moolah was looking pretty good to him by the end of many of those nights.

Still, the occasional "adult beverage" never took Andre from what he loved doing best: Working for seven minutes a night, tops, and then going over pretty much any opponent he wanted.




Much like his waistline, Andre's legend grew with each passing day. The AWA would use him to win battle royales; the WWWF would pit him against monster heels such as Killer Khan, Ernie Ladd and Crash Holly; and the Texas promoters would constantly pretend he was one of them Von Erich kids.

Likewise, in later years, WCW hired him to have a short run against Scott Hall 6, ECW brought him in to cut shoot promos on The Sandman, and ROH used him to put over Samoa Joe in 60-minute broadways.




 
Okay, I admit it: I've got NOTHING for this chapter. I just wanted to get Triple H in there somehow. Happy? HAVE I MENTIONED I JUST FOUND OUT I WAS FUCKING ADOPTED???




Exactly six years later 7, Andre moved on to the WWF and entered into a lengthy and often sexy feud with the company's "other" giant, Big John Studd.

The feud started when Studd, Bobby Heenan and Ken Patera (who won an Olympic gold medal with a broken freaking neck) cut Andre's hair because Andre was dumb enough to team up with S.D. "Special Delivery" Jones (Tiger Chung Lee was busy that night).

Although Studd should have been cheered by fans for giving Andre a halfway-decent hairstyle, he instead was still jeered and offered Andre $15,000 ($2.5 billion Canadian) to bodyslam him at the inaugural WrestleMania, which led to a ****1/2 match 8, at the big event.

They also fought in a battle royale at the second WrestleMania, alongside NFL greats such as Russ Francis, Bill Fralic, Ernie Holmes, Ted Arcidi 9 , Lawrence Taylor, Joe Namath and He Hate Me.

Then, when WWF was forced to suspend Andre (steroid-related, no doubt), the French Giant came back under a mask and the clever moniker of Andre The Giant Under A Hood. This led to yet another series of matches with Studd. Yay!

The two wouldn't face off again until ten years to the very day they stopped doing The Machines 10 angle.



Andre continued to amass an impressive winning streak over his foes, going an amazing 176-0 at one point. Or maybe I'm thinking of Bill Goldberg. Or maybe I'm still thinking of Mickey Mouse. I don't know. I'M ADOPTED, OKAY? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Anyways, Andre because jealous of the success of WWF Champion and reality-television star Hulk Hogan, challenging him to a match at WrestleMania III. To facilitate the heel turn, Andre did the one thing he thought he'd never do - he joined the nWo. Er, I mean, he hired Bobby Heenan as his manager.

"Brother, Andre and I packed in over 93 million fans into the Pontiac Silverdome," Hogan recalled during a recent conversation at, oh, let's just say the gas station. "The roof literally blew off the arena, brother, and it destroyed a 747 jet that was flying overhead, brother! Then I picked up the 7 foot 9, 820-pound giant over my head, brother, using only one pinky finger, brother, and slammed down through the ring and into the depths of hell, brother, where Eddie Guerrero was waiting for him 11, brother."

"Er, I mean, uh… that last part was off the record, brother."




Modern-day fans (or "stupid marks") may not remember this, but Andre held the World Wrestling Federation heavyweight title, albeit for less than five minutes. And no, it wasn't an angle booked by Vince Russo.

What happened was, Andre's mentor Ted DiBiase paid off Earl Hebner to sell unauthorized T-shirts… er, I mean to referee a match between Andre and Hogan, posing as his brother Dave. Dave Hebner, that is. Not Dave Hogan 12.

After Earl counted Hogan down for the lamest three-count in wrestling history, a stunned crowd heard Andre make the following speech:

"Aga… Ah tella all da worlll en de worll worll tag teem federation! Meester Tegg Dee Bee Glassey I gillado de worll… gruntsnortgrunt."

Unfortunately, no one had any fucking clue what he'd just said.

But the fact remains: Andre The Giant -- undefeated for 15 years and a headliner the world over -- held the WWF title for a shorter period of time than Edge, Kane, and even the first reign of Yokozuna.

I swear Russo didn't write this angle.




Following his successful program with Hogan, Andre was given a series of matches against recovering alcoholic 13 Jake The Snake Roberts. Thank goodness WWE no longer puts former champions in feuds with people they're supposed to be afraid of.

Anyways, Andre engaged in a lengthy and pointless feud with Roberts, then had a heart attack and died 14 after being alone in the ring with Jake's python Damien.

Speaking of snakes, what kind of snake abandons their own child? Just saying…

 

Andre soon split with Bobby Heenan after constant bickering between the two, not to mention frustration over having to be in the same program with King Haku 15.

Andre soon headed to Hollywood, figuring that after Steven Segal hit it big, he'd seem wildly charismatic by comparison. Andre had large roles in films such as The Princess Bride, Micki and Maude, Conan The Destroyer and A Bunch Of Other Films I'll Never, Ever See.

What else? Let's see… oh, I know - he died. But before that, Andre The Giant also fathered a child, whose identity was never revealed 16. Wait a second! It's all becoming clear now…

DADDY?!?

For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.



2 Source: Lord Alfred Hayes.
3 Andre has denied any wrongdoing.
4 Hopefully it was Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale.
5 Don't ask.
6 Oh, come on; like they wouldn't have done something retarded like that…
7 Like you people are depending on THIS for accuracy.
8 Source: Wrestling Observer Newsletter.
9 Twenty years later and I'm STILL trying to figure how that douche got an LJN action figure.
10 Again - I'm just kind of making this shit up as I go along.
11 Hey! If they can exploit it, so can I.
12 Though I'm sure he does a terrific Dave Hogan.
13 Yeah right.
14 Many years later.
15 Which is the EXACT same reason Nick and Jessica split.
16 No really. It's true. That part, at least.